The Secret to Overcoming Self-Sacrifice

Do you struggle with over-giving to others to the point of resentment?

Does helping others make you feel needed & necessary?

Do you feel angry when the gifts that you give are not reciprocated?

If you answered YES to any of these questions, you might be struggling with the self-sabotaging tendencies & fixations of a personality style on the Enneagram known as the “Giver” or “Helper”.

In my last newsletter, I talked about how I overcame perfectionism (which is also a personality style on the Enneagram, a system that I use to help my clients understand the underlying root cause of their thoughts & behaviors).

In addition to overcoming perfectionistic tendencies that used to sabotage me in the past, I’ve also struggled with the self-sabotaging pitfalls of the Giver/Helper.

So what are the defining pitfalls & traits of the Giver/Helper?

According to the Enneagram, this particular personality style typically shows up in the following ways (most of which is often unconscious):

  • Lack of self-identity because they define themselves by what they do for others & by their roles instead of their true feelings.
  • Multiple selves or “chameleons”, adapting to the needs of others in order to be connected. Classic co-dependent.
  • Struggle for personal freedom because they’re controlled by other’s needs; dependency on others will be an issue.
  • Spends all their energy gaining approval and avoiding rejection.
  • Giving is often unconsciously manipulative – they give to get.
  • Over-giving & then angry when it is not reciprocated.
  • Playing the martyr by packaging hostility as love.
  • Hysteria/panic when their own real needs surface & collide with the needs of others.
  • Their need for appreciation turns into a need for approval
  • Matchmaking and networking people
  • An overwhelming need to respond to others & have others respond to them
  • Overemphasis on positive feelings toward others
  • Extremely focused on making oneself needed & necessary

Does any of these apply to YOU??

If the answer is yes, you might be wondering… what’s the secret to overcoming the self-sacrifice that sabotages my life?

The secret is to resolve & heal the deep seated core fear or avoidance that drives the behavior & discover the growth path for becoming your very own hero!

According to the Enneagram model, the basic underlying core fear or avoidance that drive the Perfectionist behavior boils down basically to:

A deep-seated fear of being unloveable, unappreciated, unneeded, abandoned, or rejected.

So you see… the behavior of self-sacrifice arises from the deep-seated fear.

In order to be deemed as “loveable” or “needed” by others, the Giver/Helper will be ultra-focused on helping, giving, & pleasing others in the hopes that their efforts will be rewarded with love, appreciation, & acknowledgement of the gifts they give. THIS is what makes them feel loved & sadly, this is what they struggle providing themselves with, which is where the tendency to be co-dependent rears it’s ugly head!

So what’s the secret to overcoming self-sacrifice?

According to the Enneagram model, here are just a few ideas to help someone struggling with these fears & compulsions:

  • Give up the need (addiction) to live through significant others.
  • Identify and express own needs and feelings.
  • Spend time alone to appreciate yourself apart from others.
  • Utilize anger and panic as a signal of your own needs.
  • Learn to love all instead of a select few.
  • Learn to receive (both from yourself & from others!).
  • Resist the urge to pull others in by flattery and recognize that the need to retaliate is caused by hurt pride.
  • Develop a consistent self that does not alter to please others.

In a nutshell, the overall secret is to learn how to take care of YOU first instead of everyone else at the expense of your soul, sanity, & health.

In addition to incorporating any of the above recommended growth paths, it can also be helpful to find a practitioner who can help you resolve at the root level the cellular memory associated with any of the deep-seated core fears that sabotage your life!

My favorite by far is a well-known healing modality known as The Journey Method® which has helped to heal thousands of people around the world & is something I’ve used to help clients break free of self-sabotage & accelerate their results since 2007.

Regardless of which of these options you choose, working WITH your fear (rather than against it) to heal & resolve past trauma is the key!

After all, what you resist, persists. 🙂


Jess Bonasso, otherwise known as The Self Care Goddess, helps busy, high-reaching super heroes struggling to juggle it all break-free of the sabotage that leads to burnout & re-ignite their radiance without sacrificing their soul, sanity, or health!

Are you ready to become your very own hero?

For more information, click HERE to learn about Jess OR HERE to apply for & schedule a COMPLIMENTARY* Discovery Consult!

To receive daily inspiration on how to break free from burnout & re-ignite your radiance, be sure to follow me on social media! 🙂

 

How to Be of Service Without Self-Sacrifice

Most of us have heard the saying “give unto others as you would have done to you” but how do you know when the gifts you give to others are no longer serving you OR those you are trying to serve?

 

Early on in my business as a self-care & soul guidance coach, I learned some important lessons about giving TOO much of myself.
When I first started seeing clients, I desperately wanted to provide them with the best service I could render.

 

I knew the importance of good customer service and there was a part of me that believed if I bent over backwards to take care of my client that it would result in happier clients, more referrals, and greater financial prosperity!

On one hand, my desire to be of service was greatly beneficial to me because it taught me all the best ways to take care of my clients.On the other hand, I was so focused on my desire to be of service that I said “YES” far more often then was healthy, which resulted in me sacrificing myself more often than not.

Fortunately, this experience helped me better understand the difference between self-sacrifice and self-care!

It also taught me the importance of setting boundaries with my time, energy, and money.

Whether you have clients of your own or just friends and family in your life that you are offering your gift of service to, there IS a way to offer even GREATER service than you do now without the self-sacrifice!

To help you provide service that takes care of BOTH you and others, here are a few simple recommendations to create service-based results that are WIN-WIN all the way around:

  1. Only offer your gift of service from a place of  joy and true choice. Offering a service that you “have to or feel “forced” to offer is going to make you feel angry, bitter, or resentful will only set up everyone involved for failure. As a general rule of thumb, offer up your time, energy, and commitment to things that feel joyful, light, and free of resistance.
  2. Take time to consider the ripple effects if heaviness or resistance is present. If necessary, ask for time to think about the level of time, energy, and commitment that will be needed to provide the service you desire. Also, consider delegating, de-committing, or delaying the task to another time to make things feel more joyful, light, or free for everyone involved.
  3. Take responsibility for the decisions you make. If you don’t like the outcome of something, consider how the choices and decisions you make might prevent it from happening next time.
  4. Avoid over-committing yourself.  Jam-packing your schedule full of commitments will drain you of your energy, create emotional discontent, and make it more difficult to render the service you desire.
  5. Prioritize, reorganize, and adhere to your schedule daily so that you can focus only on the most important things, one thing at a time.
  6. Refuel your energy stores regularly. To keep from feeling depleted, exhausted, or overwhelmed by your commitments say “YES” to yourself by setting aside regular, consistent time for self-care, downtime, hobbies, creativity, exercise, etc… Not only will this recharge and make you more effective in the service that you’re rendering but it also keeps others from taking advantage of you.
  7. Load-balance energy-fueling and energy-draining activities throughout your day and week to prevent burnout.

Of course, there are many unique and different ways to provide service without sacrificing yourself.

In addition to implementing some of the above recommendations, you might also want to consider what this might look like for yourself by asking yourself the following questions:

  • In what ways have I sacrificed my health & well-being to take care of others?
  • What has this cost me?
  • How could I prevent this kind of self-sacrifice in the future in a way that’s WIN-WIN for all involved?

Going through this process will help you determine ways to take better care of yourself while still providing the service you desire.

I hope you’ve found this helpful and if you have other ideas or ways to provide service without self-sacrifice, please share in the comments below! 🙂


Jess Bonasso, otherwise known as The Self Care Goddess, empowers others to LOVE them SELF, their HEALTH, and their LIFE!

For more information, click HERE to learn about Jess OR call 720-333-6796 TODAY to schedule a *COMPLIMENTARY* Self Care Wellness Consult!

To receive daily inspiration on how to LOVE your SELF, your HEALTH, and your LIFE, be sure to follow me on social media! 🙂

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108 Ways to Practice Self-Care

Self-care 1What does self-care mean to you?

After empowering my clients to love them self, their health, and their life for almost 8 years now, I’ve found that self-care is different and unique for everyone.

Sadly, some consider self-care to be selfish or the lowest priority on the list amidst all the daily responsibilities, commitments, and distractions.

In fact, self-sacrificing tendencies happen to be the #1 ego fixation or compulsion that show up in my clients, resulting in self-inflicted bitterness, anger, and resentment that poisons their relationship to self and others.

Worse, I’ve worked with many who are so disconnected from themselves that they don’t even know what energizes, fuels, and inspires them (qualities that I consider to be prerequisites for what could be considered self-care!).

It’s not until these clients realize that self-care is actually the #1 thing they can do in they life that will not only bring them all that they desire, but it will also allow them to show up and contribute to the world from a place of fullness (vs. emptiness and drain).

Not only that but self-care is what allows us to take back control of our self, our health, and our life in a complete and whole  way! 🙂

To give you ideas of what self-care could look like, I want to share 108 ways to practice self-care that just might completely change your life!

 

108 Ways to Practice Self-Care

1.    Practice gratitude daily
2.    Spend time in nature
3.    Drink lots of water
4.    Set boundaries with your money, time, & energy
5.    Eat a well-balanced, healthy diet
6.    Fuel & energize your body consistently
7.    Exercise regularly
8.    Learn from setbacks & mistakes
9.    Take time for downtime or meditation
10.    Practice breath work
11.    Eat lots of organic fruits & vegetables
12.    Recycle
13.    Gently speak your truth
14.    Ask for help
15.    Practice generosity
16.    Nurture & soothe yourself when hurt
17.    Be willing to receive
18.    Grow your own garden
19.    Paint your cares away
20.    Dance like no one’s watching
21.    Play & have fun
22.    Let yourself putter
23.    Do things just for the joy of it
24.    Draw or doodle
25.    Journal
26.    Set intentions for your day, week, month, year, & life
27.    Get a massage
28.    Learn to say no
29.    Carry snacks with you
30.    Take a hot bath
31.    Disconnect from the hustle & bustle
32.    Take a nap if you need it
33.    Watch a funny movie
34.    Sing or listen to music
35.    Meet or call a good friend just to hang out
36.    Write poetry
37.    Do a cleanse
38.    Use essential oils for health & well-being
39.    Get a babysitter
40.    Have a date night
41.    Spend time at the beach
42.    Spend time in the mountains
43.    Go camping
44.    Read a good book
45.    Find a hobby or craft project to work on
46.    Go to the park & swing on a swing
47.    Take photos for fun
48.    Listen to or read personal development books or programs
49.    Practice creative visualization
50.    Assess your progress after every setback AND success
51.    Go for a walk
52.    Take a vacation
53.    Sit in a hot spring pool or tub
54.    Face your fears
55.    Buy yourself flowers
56.    Let go of clutter (environmental & emotional)
57.    Nurture, love, & heal your inner child
58.    Drink herbal tea
59.    Shield yourself from negativity
60.    Immerse yourself in positivity
61.    Practice tai-chi, qi gong, or yoga
62.    Set up email rules
63.    Unsubscribe from newsletters
64.    Manage your time effectively
65.    Work smart (vs. hard)
66.    Take leisurely drives
67.    Make a bucket list
68.    Brighten up your wardrobe
69.    Book a healing session
70.    Hire a coach
71.    Spend time reconnecting with family
72.    Create affirmation cards
73.    Create a vision board
74.    Pay it forward
75.    Smile & be nice… just because.
76.    Practice mindfulness
77.    Actively listen to yourself & others
78.    Make love
79.    Laugh out loud
80.    Spend time with your pets
81.    Get enough rest
82.    Go for a hike in nature
83.    Cuddle or hug someone
84.    Remove what no longer serves you
85.    Celebrate your successes
86.    Turn off the T.V. & the news
87.    Take a break from social media
88.    Have fun with cooking
89.    Surround yourself with loving, supportive people
90.    Re-decorate your office or your home
91.    Schedule ALL life activities into your calendar, including self-care!
92.    Go for a bike ride
93.    Know your strengths & core values
94.    Embrace & transform your imperfections
95.    Put yourself first (instead of last)
96.    Go inward for guidance
97.    Surrender to the unknown
98.    Stop comparing yourself to others
99.    Practice unconditional love
100.    Take risks
101.    Reduce/eliminate animal products & processed foods from your diet
102.    Forgive yourself & others
103.    Stand up for yourself
104.    Take time to feel & identify your emotions
105.    Be of service
106.    Walk or lay in the grass with your bare feet
107.    Sit in the sun for a few minutes every day
108.    Determine your life’s purpose or deepest desires

Now that you have a clearer sense of what self-care looks like, feel free to expand upon this list!

The number of ways to practice self-care are limitless and totally unique to you, your likes, your interests, etc…

In addition, anything that fuels, energizes, or inspires you is fueling in nature so pick something that meets one of these criteria.

AND, if you’re not sure where to start here’s a hint:

Start by doing something brings you JOY! 🙂


Jess Bonasso, otherwise known as The Self Care Goddess, empowers others to LOVE them SELF, their HEALTH, and their LIFE!

For more information, click HERE to learn about Jess OR call 720-333-6796 TODAY to schedule a *COMPLIMENTARY* Self Care Wellness Consult!

To receive daily inspiration on how to LOVE your SELF, your HEALTH, and your LIFE, be sure to follow me on social media! 🙂

Like us on Facebook View our profile on LinkedIn Follow us on TwitterView our videos on YouTube